Where I'm At

Where I'm at, I hate it. I scorn this state of destituteness.

On the Threshold

This moment came sooner than I expected. I am now on the threshold of graduating from college. But not so fast. I'm actually in a lot of stress right now. Which is not surprising given the final requirements and all those stuffs. We're even lucky enough to not have our thesis, which is usually everyone's worry. But I find this moment in my life so filled with frustrations.

There are just certain things I want to do as a young person because it will be different doing them as an adult. Graduating in college, for me, is almost like a passage into adulthood. From there, I would have to take on more responsibilities. I'm already expected to find a job and help in our family's expenses. I would have to be matured. I can't play around anymore. I can't be a child anymore. But I'm only 19!

I'd been wanting to have a camera. I would take pictures of everyday life and what I wear whenever I feel like dressing up. I can watch a basketball game and take photos of players in action like a pro! I'll take pictures in school of the guys I'm stalking. I'll take pictures when I'm hanging out with my friends. I'll take pictures of clothes I wanna buy. Then I'll post and blog about all of them.

My first love is arts. I want to learn how to paint life-like scenes. I want to design clothes. I want to decorate home interiors. I want to design houses, structures and buildings. I want to learn how to play the piano. I would sing to my favorite songs and make covers of them and upload them on YouTube. I want to perform on stage. I want to make movies and write stories and poems.

Not coming from a well-off family, I feel restricted from doing these things I love. If only I had been born rich, I would have done all those things. It might sound like a passing fancy, and you might say, hey, everyone wants to do all that too. But believe me, I know I'm meant to do those things and I'll show you I will. Yes, someday I will.

It's the moment in my life when I can't wait to live out my dreams. I want to travel around the world. Learn many languages. Meet many people. Learn other cultures. And just appreciate the beauty of this world.

I just want to be the best I can be. The best me.

Desperate to Love

I'm sick and tired of looking around. It just doesn't work that way. I'll tell you what doesn't work. Having a crush in your campus, following him all over, trying to know everything you can about him... you will end up with zero. I'm so tired of doing that. It's so childish and it gets you nowhere.

Sometimes, I'm really tempted to make the first move. But doing that will really make you seem desperate...and guys DON'T like desperate women. But am I? I'm 19. Is it reasonable for me to feel this way? Am I being in a hurry or is it just natural? As the title suggests, I feel desperate to love. I was not raised to be expressive of my feelings... we're not a 'sweet' family who hug and kiss often. I only learned to be sweet because of my friends. The point is, I'm longing for affection. I'm looking for someone who will care for me and who I can also care for. It may be wrong. Maybe that's not such a good reason to be looking for a boyfriend 'cause ideally, you find someone and you enter into a relationship with him because you think he's the one. Ideally, one enters into a relationship because s/he can imagine him/herself actually ending up with that person. I'm afraid to commit the mistake of getting into a relationship just for the sake of it and yet, I'm sick of being alone.

I'm afraid my standards are too high but I'm also scared of getting too desperate that I would hook up with the first guy that comes along regardless of who he is. I'm worried that I'm being in such a hurry but I fret that time might pass me by.

The fact that I'm looking at too many prospects is a bad sign. Am I really interested, just physically attracted, infatuated or plain desperate? I hate myself for even thinking about them that way. I wish this longing would be gone and I could just be friends with them for my own good. This is what's really bothering me. If I saw someone's profile in Facebook, then I check out his pictures, then I decided I like him...I mean, that's pathetic, right?

What is real love anyway? Should we really love just once? Is there really someone out there meant for us...and only for us? If only someone could tell me 'yes' for sure, then I can stop feeling this way now.